25th anniversary – Peter Trent's song

WHOM TO INVITE, NEXT WEDNESDAY NIGHT?

Or, David and Diana demonstrate they are never listless

(Written with the appropriately polysyllabic apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan)

My name is David Nicholson, the dean of Wednesday Night,
And I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of guests at our salon I am inclined to dis-invite
Who never would be missed – they never would be missed!

There’s the prat who treats my chairman’s role with a derisive laugh,
All artsy-fartsy left-wing types who can’t make out my graph;
All know-it-alls who brandish facts and floor you with them flat,
All people who bring plonk and guzzle my Bordeaux like that;
All those, on flouting David’s Rules of Order, do insist;
They’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!

CHORUS:

He’s got ’em on his list – he’s got ’em on his list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – and they’ll none of ’em be missed!

There’s all the greedy brokers who will fleece you left and right,
That breed should not exist – I’ve got them on my list.
They always are so accurate, but not on Wednesday Night,
They never would be missed – they never would be missed!
If you follow their advice, you can be sure to lose your shirt,
The Dow is as predictable as hemlines on a skirt;
But commissions keep on rolling in, regardless, right or wrong,
They’ll short you when the stock goes up, and when it’s down, you’re long;
Meisels, he peddles cycles, he’s no fundamentalist;
They’re all illusionists – they’re all illusionists!

He’s got ’em on his list – he’s got ’em on his list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – and they’ll none of ’em be missed!

There’s the singing guitar player and the others of his sort,
Like John the pianist – I’ve got him on my list;
And the wordy former mayor writing doggerel for sport,
That wretched lyricist – he never would be missed!
It’s said: in vino veritas – we’ve vino by the glass,
But our guests are lacking evidence of any veritas;
There’s those who munch our peanuts while “forgetting” to bring wine,
Who do not have the decency to ask us out to dine;
A pox on all the females who refuse my charming kiss,
They don’t know what they miss – they don’t know what they miss!

He’s got ’em on his list – he’s got ’em on his list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – and they’ll none of ’em be missed!

All broken hearts are mended thanks to André Pasternac
My cardiologist – so he’s not on the list;
And Doctor Hans, he always keeps his clients in the Black,
A fiscal alchemist – he really would be missed!
Unlike the lesser people sponging off society
Who suck the public teat, they’re not like you or me.
Those who cannot do, consult; if not consulting, teach,
And those who cannot teach; like David Oliver, they preach.
Their academic vapourings just to my mill are grist:
The dreaming socialists – the dreaming socialists!

He’s got ’em on his list – he’s got ’em on his list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – and they’ll none of ’em be missed!

And I’m Diana Nicholson: I’m here to put things right:
I’ve got another list – I’ve got another list;
Without our dearest regulars they’d be no Wednesday Night,
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!
There’s Gerald Ratzer, he computes how many times we meet,
And Louise Des Trois Maisons: next to David is her seat;
A gentleman amanuensis, Herbert Bercovitz,
Captures the collective distillation of our wits;
And the purring princess Roslyn, yes, she is on my list.
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!

She’s got ’em on her list – she’s got ’em on her list;
And they really would be missed – they really would be missed!

It all began with Beigie: our dear Carl from C.D. Howe,
My fave economist – I’ve got him on the list;
The dismal science permeates our sessions even now,
It just might be missed – it just might be missed!
Jacques Clément has followed interest rates since James E. Coyne.
And here’s the only place in town where Guy and Stanley join;
With Martin Barnes and Peter Perkins adding their two cents,
You can bank on Credit Analysts for something really dense;
And Tony Deutsch is very rare: a fun economist.
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!

She’s got ’em on her list – she’s got ’em on her list;
And they really would be missed – they really would be missed!

Now, Margo Somerville denounces wedding rings for gays,
She’s a heterogamist – a heterogamist.
And baby boys must not be cut, she is “for skin” she says,
It really would be missed – it really would be missed!
Lefebvre and Patterson provide cerebral bonuses;
As to brains, it’s hard to keep up with the Jonases.
Allan’s Mass is critical, and Roper leaves his Mark,
And Julius went Grey defending avenue du Parc.
It really doesn’t matter whom you put upon my list,
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!

She’s got ’em on her list – she’s got ’em on her list;
And they really would be missed – they really would be missed!

Above the yellow door, the port and starboard lanterns glow,
The barking dogs insist – the barking dogs insist.
Walk right in, the door’s ajar, the knocker is for show,
Diana must be kissed – Diana can’t be missed!
Inside, the admiral’s mementos grace a fire-lit hall,
In the dining room, the candles shine against a panelled wall;
Glasses clink, the bell is rung, a hush becalms the room,
The lights go down, and David hunts for switches in the gloom;
While cordiality and conversation coexist,
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!

She’s got ’em on her list – she’s got ’em on her list;
And they really would be missed – they really would be missed

Each Wednesday it has happened that participants were found,
They’ve got a massive list – they’ve got a massive list;
For thirteen hundred Wednesday Nights: the number does astound,
That never have been missed – that never have been missed;
As the silver anniversary of Wednesday Night we hold,
To pose the bimetallic question: do they go for gold?
The Nicholsons a glorious tradition kept alive,
And what is more miraculous: their marriage did survive;
Of people who have made a difference, they would top the list,
They really would be missed – they really would be missed!

They would top the list – they would top the list,
And they really would be missed – they really would be missed!

Peter F. Trent, 7 March 2007